When talking with your teen becomes difficult… step back before moving forward

The best way to ensure that your teenager talks to you is to make sure that, as parents, you share this value or attitude with your child from day one. According to Dr. Yves Beaulieu, psychologist at The Montreal Children’s Hospital, when parents can create a family environment that is warm, nurturing, promotes strong values and talking through problems when their children are young, then, the teenage years usually aren’t as tumultuous as society makes them out to be. The key is to understand each stage of your child’s life.

Unfortunately, we do not live in an ideal world, and today’s parents and children face a lot of outside stress and pressure. Parents have less quality time with their children, have lots of work-related stress while their children are involved a myriad of activities and face increasing social pressure. Sometimes, communication simply breaks down.

Alcohol use is a complex issue in that it is influenced by cultural, family and community traditions. The fact that it is legal for adults and illegal for those under 21 further complicates how families deal with it. Alcohol use can have unintended, harmful consequences.

Parents will want to think about what messages they give to their teen if they condone underage drinking. It tells teens that it is OK to do something that is illegal and against the rules of the school and other places where they are involved. It says that people can’t have fun without drinking. Parents may find it difficult to bring up the subject or set a no–use rule if they made poor choices during high school or drink socially today.

Most of the alcohol problems for young people occur due to intoxication. These include:

• Being the victim of violence (physical or verbal) or being violent themselves;
• Having unprotected sex or not being able to deal with unwanted sexual advances;
• Being sexually assaulted;
• Alcohol poisoning and loss of consciousness;
• Being injured while swimming, playing sport, climbing, even trying to cross a busy street, and the dangers of drink-driving are well known;
• Difficulty coping with school and/or work commitments;
• Having money problems because of the amount spent on alcohol;
• Breaking the law or getting into trouble with the police;
• Losing control of themselves and harming friendships; and/or
• Disappointing parents and other important adults.

So, what can parents do if they notice that their teen isn’t communicating with them, is acting more and more withdrawn and is simply not functioning well? Here are Dr. Beaulieu’s recommendations to help you reconnect with your teen:

• Understand this stage of your child’s life. Recognize that the teenage years are a time when your teen is living a lot of physical and emotional changes which can be confusing. Your teen is trying to become autonomous and often feels invulnerable.
• Before trying to talk, take a step back. Try to understand what your teen is going through and to figure out what she or he wants to do. Do not take their attitude personally, take a step back to evaluate why your child is withdrawing, why the sadness. Is your teen reacting to something at school or with friends? Has your family situation changed in any way? Are there any new stress factors in your lives? What is going on in your child’s life?
• Open the dialog.

Ask your teenager if he is willing to sign "The Pledge to Eliminate Drunk Driving." This pledge is available through the MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) website that is listed in the Resources section. Signing this with your teen can help you both realize the gravity of the situation and your own commitment to eliminating the problem of drunk driving. Encourage your teenager to stick to this by attending drunk driving awareness meetings together. Volunteer to help out at a local gathering. Hearing stories firsthand will help one avoid drunk driving like nothing else.

• Start with stating the situation by saying something like: I see that you are going through something or it seems that you are sad or I have noticed that there have been changes in your life lately.
• Feel comfortable owning up to some of the responsibly for the increased tension in your relationship, but indicate that you want to repair it with statements like: maybe I have contributed to how you feel, but I am here now so that you and I can figure out how to deal with this new reality.
• Express your wish to listen to whatever your teen wants to say, without anger or judgement and with personal statements like: I want to hear what you are going through, I promise I won’t judge. I know we have fought over certain things in the past, but let’s try to find new ways of dealing with them together.

"If repeated attempts to communicate fail and your teens is more and more isolated, spends less time with friends, has difficulty in school or does not function anymore, get help. These may be signs of depression," recommends Dr. Beaulieu.

What to avoid with your teen:

"Teenage years are not the time to impose new strict rules on children as this will only illicit rebellion and dramatic and exaggerated reactions," explains Dr. Beaulieu. Instead, Dr. Beaulieu suggests shifting some of the responsibility to the teen by explaining that adolescence is a time of self-discovery, but that they have to be careful not to put themselves in dangerous situations. Impress upon them that they must always be in control of their body and mind. They are responsible for themselves and you, as a parent, trust them and will not worry if you feel that they know how to avoid risky situations which include such behaviors as drinking, drugs,or getting in a car with a friend that has been drinking. "This allows parents to give their teenager some of the autonomy that they are seeking, with adequate safeguards in place, while avoiding a confrontational situation. It is all about figuring out what your child wants and needs and defining an appropriate way or compromise to deal with it," concludes Dr. Beaulieu.